This week we have a “reader” (so , that’s 1 of 11 of you out there) submitted question. I asked my friend Jessica Conquest (I know, what a last name) to help out with this one. She’s a licensed therapist, so likely has a healthier way of providing insight other than the advice I like to offer, “forget about him, let’s go see how much tequila we can drink and steal a cop’s gun.”
I recently reconnected with an old flame in a fateful way. We went on our first date over 12 years ago. We had a great time, but after a few more things fizzled as I met someone and he concentrated on grad school. We matched on Plenty of Fish in present time and didn’t recognize each other until our first date!
We’ve been on several dates now and have been intimate. He’s met my friends and I could definitely see us having a future. However, now he has completely fallen off. I haven’t heard from him in two weeks. What should I do?
Wow, talk about being blindsided. You let this guy put his peen in you and then he vanishes, without a trace. I can see why the added element of “fate” of you two meeting up after all of these years online makes this particularly painful. But don’t let this cloud what we have in front of us: an asshole. I’d go one of these two ways:
- Forget him and move on to someone who at a minimum Likes your Facebook photos when he forgets to call. Accept his non-communication as a rejection (a cowardly one that has little to actually do with you) and get on! I hate to be so harsh here, but if this guy wanted to make this work, he’d make it work. I wouldn’t take this too personally. This guy clearly has some hangups and now they are not your problem. Let’s get the tequila and steal that cop’s gun now.
- Ask him. Just call and be forward: “ Hey I thought we were having a great time. What happened to you?” Your priority here would be to get some answers. But I’d be prepared to be fed a line or two. At first I thought #1 was the only option, but lately I’ve personally been trying to not make assumptions and to ask for clarification as needed. You don’t have much to lose here but time, really.
Ultimately you have to ask yourself: Do you want to have a relationship with someone who is inconsistent with their communication?
Hint: probably not because Conquest and I are sitting here answering your question.
Let’s read what the pro has to say:
To call or not to call? My 3 thoughts:
- Did you and “Old Flame” talk about how you’ve both changed over the last 10 years? Let’s be real, we’ve all changed over the last 10 years, extra 20 pounds aside, and these changes effect who we are in relationships and how we communicate in said relationships. I just lied, 38 pounds aside.
- Did you and Flame talk about your expectations in your reconnection? This may also lend some insight as to why he fell off the map.
- And lastly, what are your expectations in calling? Do you want to start where it was left? Do you want to know if his trip off the end of the earth was hot and fiery? Or do you just want to make sure it’s not you?
I encourage you to think about the last question prior to calling him, since that may be the difference between disappointment and clarity.
Got a question for Conquest and me? Just write in the comments or contact section. I promise to keep it anonymous.
Jessica is an East Coast transplant residing in Long Beach CA. She is a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, who also moonlights as an optimist, yet disgruntled online dater here in LA LA land. In her free time she enjoys trying new foods, clowning with her friends, reading anything with words, riding her bike, struggling to be a good runner again, staring at men, and plotting her future. Jessica takes pride in listening and helping others help themselves.
This blog is for entertainment. The advice offered herein does not constitute a substitute for professional psychological treatment, therapy, or other types of professional advice and intervention.