55648588

Dear Tinderoni

This week we have a “reader” (so , that’s 1 of 11 of you out there) submitted question. I asked my friend Jessica Conquest (I know, what a last name) to help out with this one. She’s a licensed therapist, so likely has a healthier way of providing insight other than the advice I like to offer, “forget about him, let’s go see how much tequila we can drink and steal a cop’s gun.”

Dear Tinderoni,

I recently reconnected with an old flame in a fateful way. We went on our first date over 12 years ago. We had a great time, but after a few more things fizzled as I met someone and he concentrated on grad school. We matched on Plenty of Fish  in present time and didn’t recognize each other until our first date!

We’ve been on several dates now and have been intimate. He’s met my friends and I could definitely see us having a future. However, now he has completely fallen off. I haven’t heard from him in two weeks. What should I do?

Anonymous

Wow, talk about being blindsided. You let this guy put his peen in you and then he vanishes, without a trace. I can see why the added element of “fate” of you two meeting up after all of these years online makes this particularly painful. But don’t let this cloud what we have in front of us: an asshole. I’d go one of these two ways:

  1.  Forget him and move on to someone who at a minimum Likes your Facebook photos when he forgets to call. Accept his non-communication as a rejection (a cowardly one that has little to actually do with you) and get on! I hate to be so harsh here, but if this guy wanted to make this work, he’d make it work. I wouldn’t take this too personally. This guy clearly has some hangups and now they are not your problem. Let’s get the tequila and steal that cop’s gun now.
  2.  Ask him. Just call and be forward: “ Hey I thought we were having a great time. What happened to you?” Your priority here would be to get some answers. But I’d be prepared to be fed a line or two. At first I thought #1 was the only option, but lately I’ve personally been trying to not make assumptions and to ask for clarification as needed. You don’t have much to lose here but time, really.

Ultimately you have to ask yourself: Do you want to have a relationship with someone who is inconsistent with their communication?

Hint: probably not because Conquest and I are sitting here answering your question.

Let’s read what the pro has to say:

To call or not to call? My 3 thoughts:

  1. Did you and “Old Flame” talk about how you’ve both changed over the last 10 years? Let’s be real, we’ve all changed over the last 10 years, extra 20 pounds aside, and these changes effect who we are in relationships and how we communicate in said relationships.  I just lied, 38 pounds aside.
  2. Did you and Flame talk about your expectations in your reconnection?  This may also lend some insight as to why he fell off the map.
  3. And lastly, what are your expectations in calling? Do you want to start where it was left? Do you want to know if his trip off the end of the earth was hot and fiery? Or do you just want to make sure it’s not you?

I encourage you to think about the last question prior to calling him, since that may be the difference between disappointment and clarity.

Got a question for Conquest and me? Just write in the comments or contact section. I promise to keep it anonymous.

Jessica is an East Coast transplant residing in Long Beach CA. She is a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, who also moonlights as an optimist, yet disgruntled online dater here in LA LA land. In her free time she enjoys trying new foods, clowning with her friends, reading anything with words, riding her bike, struggling to be a good runner again, staring at men, and plotting her future. Jessica takes pride in listening and helping others help themselves.

Disclaimer:

This blog is for entertainment. The advice offered herein does not constitute a substitute for professional psychological treatment, therapy, or other types of professional advice and intervention.

but have you?

My End to Dated Dating

If you’re one of those women who frequently ask out men, and on a confidence scale of 1 to Beyonce, you’re Kanye, then this is not a blog post for you.

I’ve read The Rules, He’s Not that Into You, and every Seventeen magazine from 1995-1999. In summary, when it comes to the first date, he must do the asking. I have adhered to this rule my entire dating life.

When I started online dating, I treated this no differently than “real life” dating. I cruised until I found someone I liked, ignored him, expected some light mind-reading, and waited for him to ask me out.

I impatiently saw the growing list of visits to my profile, “likes”, and mutual matches across all of my dating apps, as maybe 1% would ask me out on a date. The men that were actually messaging me could barely put two sentences together (as evident by their lack of use of punctuation) or had Asian fetishes.

I decided one Friday night, that something had to change. Why were they matching with me and visiting my profile multiple times in a day but not saying anything?!  I was not getting asked out by the men whom I wanted to ask me out, yet there they were….virtually hinting that they were interested.

So I reviewed my mutual matches, narrowed down the most attractive, then down to a 3 mile radius. I messaged one. After some small talk about classic cult comedies (I dunno, boys like that stuff), I asked him out for a drink.  He said yes! We shut the bar down and now we’re on date 4.

Online dating is non-traditional so its time to drop some of the dated ideas we have about it. Ask him out for the first date, offer to pay for your half, show up at his house the next morning with a cup of coffee and the new kitten you’ll co-parent. I’m only kidding about ONE of those suggestions.

If you don’t go get the first date…you’ll never get date #3, 4, 5, 6. When it comes to online dating who cares who initiates the first one? Grab the first, let him get the second.

IMG_3296

My Unforgettable Forgettable Dates

Why isn’t everyone falling in love with me?

So I had a rough start to online dating in LA. Second date guy didn’t work out. Luckily I don’t put all my eggs in one basket. Determined not to allow my newly formed dating muscles atrophy…I continued to date while seeing Second date guy. I went on about 8 first dates in 8 weeks including his. 7 out of 8 of them were completely forgettable.

Let’s be okay with mutually totally not being into each other.

Your friends make you feel like a super star. After rejection we tell each other, “oh girl, his loss..you’re so funny and so cute and so smart.” This is likely true. You should believe it.

But hey, Tinder Swipe #30 doesn’t know shit about you and you’ve got 30-45 minutes to make an impression while you talk in that voice that you reserve for complete strangers. The funny thing is, you’ve probably both determined within the first 5 minutes if this date could end with a spank and a tickle.

Just one..more…swipe…

I wonder if the sheer volume of profiles and matches out there make us quicker to dismiss lack of chemistry. We are a swipe away from someone we actually could have a connection with (sexual at the very least). In the old days, did we all give each other a chance, not knowing when the next love interest would be? I remember when I met my ex-husband, none of this shit was around. If I wanted to date other people, that would be work. I’d have to put on an outfit (like, with heels and pants) and put out the vibe at a bar. Now? I can swipe in the dim lighting of my apartment with no pants on.

So there, I don’t know the answer, but I’m learning more about myself as I navigate the swamp of online dating. I’m obviously guilty of making these snap decisions and completely okay with others doing it to me. But hell, is that sad?

IMG_4450

How I Didn’t Meet Your Mother

“I’m not here for just a hook-up”

Oh really? Did you just suggest you’re on Tinder for a seafood dinner? Either you’re lying or completely delusional. If we could take snapshots of what we look like while we are actually on Tinder, 90% of them would be people sitting on toilets. Why? Because this is a ego boosting game to see how many people would consider having sex with you. File this under “Games” in your iPhone next to Candy Crush because this is NOT a dating app.

But, “Virginia, my sister’s friend’s cousin has been with her Tinder match for 8 months”. I once literally slipped on a banana peel in a parking lot. Has it happened since? No. These are exceptions to reality. Don’t count on it happening.

In the future, if a child tells you that his parents met on Tinder, just assume he was a “surprise”.

My friend Dave once said, “Girls just wanna have fun until boys just wanna have fun. Then girls just wanna be serious.” Wouldn’t it be great if we could just get on the same page? Our purposes for swiping right or left vary greatly and set the stage for some serious disappointment.

My point is, let’s start getting real with why we’re doing this. Admit that we’re trolling the internet for butt. If you truly wanted something serious you’d be on eVow trolling the internet for a SPOUSE. 

Your Favorite Self-Loathing Online Dater,

Virginia

Easy Come Easy Go

Remember when I mentioned recalling my 20’s as a series of beer-goggled hookups and wine whiskey- drenched heartaches? My life has come full circle.

It was little over a month ago when I thought I met someone online (not on Tinder!) with whom I could see the potential to forsake all other dates…for at least a few months. He was my second ever online date in California (I’ll share about #1 soon enough). Over several dates, we laughed (at my jokes), talked about our families, exchanged college stories, shared our entrees, listened to records (“OMG, you love Lucius?* ME TOO!”), drank too much, and eventually we fell asleep spooning after a long night of…talking.

I got this dating shit on lock! So easy!

A few weeks later we saw each other less and less. I’ll spare you the play by play of anxiety and confusion this bestowed upon my hopeful little heart.

Then it happened:

“I don’t think we should see each other any more”

Well, technically I never even called him my boyfriend. So.

Please forgive Ashton's poor grammar.

Please forgive Ashton’s poor grammar.

And I was definitely still going on a lot of first dates…

tumblr_inline_mi55q4juw91qm9q1z

But I was still pretty bummed. After some completely insane rumination I realized…this was not about him. This was all about me. Jesus, we’d only gone out for a little over a month, was this really worth wallowing for more than 24 hours? No! Of course not! Sure, he smelled good and had really nice teeth and a dreamy smile, but I can’t recall ONE thing I would truly miss about him. Maybe the…talking. But I can talk to anyone, really.

This was all about my ego and insecurities. Nobody likes being rejected. We can run in circles asking ourselves “why”? I just had to let this one go. And maybe this time I’ll make it easier, on myself.  He ultimately didn’t want me, therefore I should not want him , I should not take it personally. Getting that through your brain is harder than you think. Easy come, easy go.

LEFT SWIPE! NEXT!

Virginia

* If I had only one thing to say to him: Thanks for ruining Lucius for me. I used to really like that band, jerk. I’ll never make out to that album again!

OkCupid___saucepan_ninja___32___F___Long_Beach__California

Now we can all cast a world wide net

The days of meeting your one-night stand at a bar have been replaced by a swipe and some quick exchanges on Tinder. Going lower than the lowest traditional form of meeting someone (remember when “oh you met in a bar” was laced with judgement?) with now trying to rub two dating profiles together is absolutely the fastest way to turn people into meat (not meet) and the best way to ensure the normal folks never ever share a cocktail because of the volume of profiles.  All this swiping also sounds dirty.  Like a sex act with your phone.  “Oh, I right-swiped on her so fast”.

Instead of socializing at a hip Los Angeles bar or wherever the kids drink these days, I am hunched over my laptop answering a 157 question survey about myself to be matched with another slob who is likely also slouched over their laptop on a Friday night. Why bother talking to a guy at a bar when I can anonymously reject/pick up people on my iPhone? I spend hours crafting the perfect, clever profile. Taking great care in ensuring my recent photos made me look like I am having fun…but not too much fun. They can find out that I’m a binge drinker on date two.

It took me a good minute to navigate through the different dating sites. I picked about four…thats all I can handle. Here’s a guide for all you non-online daters to the sites I’ll cover on Tinderoni:

1. Coffee Meets Bagel (free): The lazy dater’s site. You get one match (a “bagel”) a day. You can either accept or reject your “bagel”. If you both accept each other, a chat room opens for the two of you. There’s a catch. It’s only available for 7 days. So shit or get off the pot. Also, lots of Asians.

I’ve met and dated one guy from this site. More on that later.

2. OKCupid (free, so even drug addicts and derelicts can use it with their hotmail addresses): The poor man’s Match.com. Completely riddled with quizzes and analytics, your decisions will be paralyzed after learning the guy you’ve been checking out is only “55% compatible” with you. This is determined after filling out asinine questionnaires about your dating and sexual preferences. Takes the fun out of date four when you learn your match can’t orgasm without One Direction blaring. Efficient? Maybe.

My profile. I appreciate any feedback.

3. Match (for around a $1 a day you can meet absolutely nobody): Ah, the leading paid matchmaking website. The talent is akin to OKCupid, only these folks may be a bit more desperate because they are PAYING. Also like OKC, it is overwhelming with long, winded profiles and the ability to add albums of your pets and blurry group photos. Match also likes to make sure you two never meet as there are endless ways to passively communicate with each other via “winks”, “likes”, and “I’m interested” carrier pigeons. Also, the site looks like it was built by the Geocities web editor. Use the app.

4. Tinder (1, 2, free): Lower your expectations…and just admit you’re trolling the internet for butt. Swipe left for “No. I will not sleep with you”. Swipe right for “No. Well, maybe. Let’s meet in public for a drink. Just don’t ruin this with a premature dick pic” (I said premature). If you both swipe right, it’s a “match”. Tinder connects you via their in-app messenger and you both can go on to your socially awkward mating dance. Here’s the advantage of Tinder…no profiles, just pictures. Let’s figure out all that other stuff on a date.

So now you’re at least hip to the sites I’ve been fishing in. I haven’t tried eHarmony or Plenty of Fish, but I’d love to hear your thoughts. Check me out on Facebook.

Right swipe,

Virginia

IMG_7131

From Crown Molding to Crown Royal

Four months ago I grabbed my dog and moved to Los Angeles, California from the suburbs of Northern Virginia (just a few miles outside of DC).

I’m 32 and divorced. I’m single for the first time in seven years. After taking comfort in a sweet permanent plus one, I am alone with 6 pillows, a creaky double mattress, a lot of IKEA furniture, and not much more to keep me warm than a cheap bottle of whisky. I’ve left my idyllic suburban life for a small 500 square foot apartment in Long Beach, California. But who really needs someone to keep them warm in SoCal?

But here’s the thing…after approximately 5 weeks of internet dating, I’ve learned that nobody knows what they are doing (you’ll see), and I don’t think I ever did. I’ve tried to channel that confident, leaner, 20-something I once was the last time I was single. All I can recall is a series of awkward beer-goggled hookups and wine-drenched heartbreak. I was never good at this! That’s why I got married!

The last time I dated there definitely wasn’t Tinder.

So now I will chronicle my modern dating life, and yours if you’ll let me.

Gotta go….got a match.

IMG_4699

Right swipe,

Virginia